The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me. Even writing this post is difficult. But, I know others have experienced the same as me, and I want to share my story. I hope that it encourages you to look to your Savior and the truths of His Word no matter what difficulties you face.
May 24th, 2019 I got a positive pregnancy test.
In that moment, I asked so many questions… Is this real? Should I test again? Do I need to wean Aletheia? Can I fly to my Nana’s memorial service? When do I start blood thinner shots? And, wait, is this actually happening?!?
All I could do was take a deep breath, close my eyes, and thank the Lord for the sweet little gift He had given me. I prayed for that baby to come to know Him and be His child forever. In God’s perfect timing, this prayer would be answered much sooner than I thought.
Ten days later, on my birthday, I found out I had lost the baby. Many emotions swirled as I asked so many questions… how did THIS happen? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented it? What do I do now?
Again, all I could do was take a deep breath, close my eyes, and thank the Lord for the sweet little gift He had given me, if for only a short time.
Since then, my prayer is still the same. “Thank you, Lord, for entrusting a life into my care for however short a time.”
Losing a child, no matter the age, is hard. But I take comfort in knowing…
That His grace is sufficient for me, no matter the circumstance. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
That God works all hard things out for the good of His children. (Romans 8:28)
That His ways are higher than mine, I have no reason to doubt. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
That this Little One, whom I will never hold in my arms, is already in the arms of Christ.
This little one was created by God for His purposes and in His sovereignty. (Psalm 139:13,16)
That they will never know pain, suffering, sin, or sorrow.
That he/she is totally whole and perfect, worshipping at God’s throne. (Revelation 22)
That heaven will be that much sweeter for us in our reunion. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
Well, my birthday this year was rather different. Somehow, it seems fitting that I would find out my baby would not have a birthday on mine. But I rejoice in that too. Now my birthday will be a day to remember God’s immense love, care, and grace toward me in the midst of hardship.
I only knew you for ten short days. And I didn’t even know you by your heartbeat, or little kicks inside. Not by an ultrasound or picture. Not by your cry or touch. I only knew you by the line on a pregnancy test.
But God knows you, everything about you. How many days were yours, how many beats your little heart would take, how you would come to Him so quickly. So I trust you to His sufficient care. I can’t wait to know you when we are together again in His presence, reunited forever in eternity.
I sing “Jesus Loves Me” to Aletheia every night before bed. The words of the first verse have taken on a whole new meaning to me. I will end with these:
“Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Little Ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong.”